I've still got this residual high from last night. I woke up this morning with your perfume on my mind. My memory is awash with your softness, the scent of your impression...
Remembrances of kisses gone like dreams haunt me pleasantly throughout this day. Every breeze calls you to mind. Every jewel of sunlight scintillating off the water reminds me of your eyes. You are a dream come true, if only for one evening; an answer to a long prayed prayer, never forgotten, always desired, as fresh as the day it was born to mind.
Sweet midnight flower, if you only knew how much I wanted to crawl inside of you and snuggle up to your heart with whispers of kisses quenching thirsts you never knew you had. How much I wanted to answer those secrets groans from your soul... the ones you have dressed and masked with images of happiness, but not the real thing. Ignore my presumptions, if you wish, I only mean to ask to be the laughter that lightens your heart.
Sweet evening nectar, even now I miss her kisses, but more than her kiss... her sensuality stirred affections long dormant and while to her it may have been nothing much, much more was she to me, then, when her lips touched mine with a softness that slayed my inhibitions and bled silent tears from my heart as I remembered that feeling... and not only remembered it but lived it anew, a phoenix risen. Provoked, that feeling seared away contentment and gave birth to old passions. Butterflies burned in its wake within me, melting away the hardened shell of my heart, wounding it with the sharp seeds of ecstacy.
And here I am inebriated with a fading dream. I am on fire with the smooth strength of your potion. Let me caress your soul as you have stirred mine. Allow me the sound of your voice and the pleasance of your beauty, yet not that beauty which others can plainly see, but that beauty that can only be seen by one in need, and such a one is me.
I need... what you have, there, behind those almond eyes, the taste painted upon the lure of your lips, and the light from your perfect smile. You are gorgeous and the reason I woke up with a smile on my face.
Let me make sure, for future interests, that I am clear, for me, and, maybe you too. Are you sure? As I recall, you said you were single because the guys you meet are knuckleheads. I dont know what you are used to and didnt get the chance to really find out what does it for you. And while I cant put my finger on exactly what it is about you that affects me, to the tune that I have been affected, I do know that you do it for me. Now what that means, what you want it to mean or where that leads is unknown to me, and ultimately up to you in terms of the opportunities you allow to explore any or every avenue. Im not deaf. I heard you and your intentions to invest your energies somewhere else right now. Thats cool. I respect that, your honesty, and your integrity.
My intentions are to make it plain to you that access here will always be available to you. To what degree may change with the fortunes of time, but access will never be denied.
And please dont take offense at my persistence to establish something, anything between us. Id be a fool not to recognize that there is something special about you. Like I said, it aint everyday I meet someone who affects me the way you do. Its a rarity, to be sure. And please, dont start with that spooky stuff. Maybe life is cut and dry for you and emotions are just a little salt and pepper that you can do without, but I like my seasoning and flavor. And I want my life to taste good!
Im sure, just like me, you like being around someone who makes you feel good Someone who excites your imagination and makes you wonder. You are to me, just out of reach, a sweet delectably ripe peach
Maybe the kiss you shared with me wasnt that sweet. Maybe your perfume wasnt intoxicating. Maybe your warmth was my imagination. Maybe your hand didnt tingle.
Did I tell you that the translation of the letter, in English :), is, Last night was nice, and Id like to see you again. This past week has filled my thoughts with you. While it may be common for most, experiencing just the little bit of you that I did, was nothing common at all. Maybe there was nothing there and I made it all up, but the illusion seemed real enough to me, enough to look forward to another opportunity to spend some time with you.
How long did it take for us to hook up? And when we finally did, you asked me to be comfortable with you. When I was, and shared my comfort with you, you backpedaled. Ive got this big smile on my face because you didnt understand, and I thought to myself, no big deal, she just doesnt know me yet. She can be flattered later.
I didnt expect fear.
Kinda like getting accused of something you didnt do by someone you really like. Hurts a little.
You were comfortable with me that night. And though conversation may have been wanting, I was comfortable with you.
I know Im not the average guy, and maybe youre not used to that. You couldnt ask for a better friend, though. And while Im on the subject, I refuse to believe you have no room for any more friends, not after that spiel about how youve lost friends after theyve gotten knee deep in relationships with jealous women. Sometimes staying with the familiar is comfortable, or at least gives us the illusion of comfort. Sometimes we sacrifice happiness giving in to fears that we cant even consider facing. Sometimes, out of depression, desperation, confusion, or exhaustion, even loneliness, we go get that square peg and try to hammer it into that round hole. Dont change your mind about giving me a clean slate to work from. Give me the opportunity to see how we fit together, wherever, however.
Worst case scenario? Youll wonder for the rest of your life if Im too good to be true.
I aint trippin, You. Im sure you can appreciate not giving up on something youre interested in pursuing. I am curious and would be honored if you shared with me your take on that evening. What you saw. What you felt. What you liked. Sometimes its nice to hear someones honest opinion about you, whatever it is.
And in as much as I was honest, be honest. Like I said, Ive been off the scene for a while. Nothing like some friendly advice when getting back in the saddle. Getting bucked aint fun. I think you mentioned something about how you felt about rejection. :)
So there it is, You. Most of it anyway. Id be lying if I said I hope things work out for you and your EX. That would be counterproductive. But I do hope things work out for you, and that you make a decision that makes you happy. Call me.
Oh, and hold on to that first email I sent you, print it out and put it up for safekeeping, you never know, it just might be the very thing you need.
Don't get mad at me for the way you make me feel :)
I've still got a hangover from that night. I've been to the doctor to have it checked out cause it just didn't seem right that I should still have your toxins in my system after all this time. Doc told me that my immune system had been compromised and it was taking longer than usual to flush you from my system. He gave me some medication and scheduled a follow-up appointment to check my progress. I went to the emergency room yesterday after my cell phone rang and I didn't recognize the number. All of a sudden my heart started beating and I got all warm... actually it was more like a hot flash. I thought it was you. I hoped it was you. So of course I went to the emergency room cause that shit aint normal, right. They tell me I've got this really bad viral infection. Its like all in my brain concentrated in the area responsible for emotions. They tell me the only way to treat the infection is to nip it at the root, so they send me to a psychiatrist for analysis. Well, we're not in the session even a minute before she's trippin on how clear I am on this issue. She writes out her assessment and prognosis and instructs me to "talk" to you about it. So here I am again, annoying you I am sure, but hopelessly enamored with you and stupid as a bag of rocks when trying to figure out what to do about it.
So I write in the belief that you'll simply delete this email, yet hoping beyond hope that you will read these words, and in reading them, "hear" me, and in "hearing" me, change your mind and befriend me.
You ever thought a thought and kept it to yourself? These are the thoughts that will never be spoken, but cannot be kept quiet:
You cruel muthafucka, you. And I say that with all honesty with not the least bit of disrespect intended. You got me fucked up bad. And I say you, denying any and all responsibility for my own actions because I can't get off by myself. You did this to me such that, after normal assholes would have been over and done with it, it seems I done caught a bug I can't get rid of. Truth be told, I ain't that enthusiastic about gettin better, either. That said, what follows is my misery, inspired by you. What the fuck did you do to me?
You didn't kiss her lips, or feel... or feel what I felt. When I saw
her for the first time, there was this tug inside of me, right above
my gut. I thought it was because I was hungry, so I dismissed it.
I'd get something to eat when my car was fixed. But every time I
looked at her, that tug... I'd feel that tug again. I tried to make
excuses for myself - she probably only speaks spanish. But that tug!
So I asked her about someplace to eat. When she answered, it was
like the whole of my insides trembled with nervousness. You know how sometimes, if you sit a certain way, you can get your leg to dance all by itself? All this energy was jumping around inside me so I had to keep getting up and walk around. Finally I gave up fighting it
and sat closer to her. My stomach was on fire! When she offered me
the graham crackers, I was gone, floating on cloud nine hundred and
ninety nine. What the heck is going on?! I asked myself. I mean it
was like I had this really strong buzz or something.
When we sat beside one another, it was like I ran into a tree or hit
my head on the bottom of the swimming pool. I felt dizzy and silly. I just wanted to yell all of that energy out of me. I felt so fidgety and nervous. I was talking, but it wasn't all me. The words were mine but the intent was automatic. When she gave me her number when I asked for it, I could have cried. Now I know all this sounds melodramatic, but I'm telling you this girl had me so energized I was scared. I'm surprised I was able to speak coherently.
Anyway so when I decide to give her a call, its like as soon as she
leaves. And I'm like, calm the fuck down already, damn! She's just a
girl, that's it. So I check myself, right. It is fuckin torture. I don't know when I called her the first time but when I did, I couldn't have gone another second waiting, it was like I had a migraine that got worse andworse with each day I waited. The first few times I caught her answering service. It was like teasing a man dying of thirst with an icecube tied to a string.
Does a woman know when she has this kind of effect on a man? What does she think about it. Does it amuse her? Does it scare her? Does it flatter her?
Well, when I got through to her, she was on her way out of town to
Miami for the weekend. Ever been stung by a bee. Felt like that. So
when she gets back she's still busy. Ever fell out the bed? Felt
like that. So we eventually set something up for the evening she is
running around with her sister for the whole prom thing. Well, time
doesn't seem to be on my side at all. Things are closing left and
right and I'm running out of options and optimism. I'm treading water but my arms feel like they've got bricks tied to them. You ever been this close to giving up, you're so tired and the pain is starting to get sweet, and you think, if I just close my eyes I can drift off someplace away from this stress? I was almost there. Then I saw your car.
We meet in the parking lot behind Dixie Kitchen and I get into her car.
As soon as I turn to her, its like I've got a kitchen drawer full of
knives in my stomach. I'm on fire and feeling like I've got internal
bleeding. She suggests Red's on Stoney. Last time I was in there was when I was hanging out with my best friend Keyth who was killed in a car accident. I swallowed that and went along.
She's driving and talking and I'm sharing and she's like, ixnay on
the drama. I'm like what drama. She goes on to explain what she
means, and I'm like Drama doesn't have to be. Anyway we get to the
spot and my stomach is still on fire. When she gets out of the car,
I've got the shivers like its a cold evening and I've got a t-shirt
on or something. I mean I'm looking at her and she looks good and
all but I am reacting like there's a whole lot more there. Weird.
So we go in and its loud and the conversation sucks on a count of my being preoccupied with something about her. I can't even think. I'm
thinking its because shes gorgeous, and she is gorgeous. But it
wasn't just that. She was looking about and stuff. I was a little put off by it cause I'm thinking this is a fuckin wasted evening...
I have absolutely nothing upstairs tonight, what the heck is my problem. But every time I look in her eyes, I am in a fucking daze.
I just want to take her someplace quiet until the sun comes up, get
all up in her til she thinks she cant live without me... then she
asks me what the hell I'm staring at.
Be a friend.
After a drink we go back to the parking lot and I don't know if shes
flirting or what. I feel like such a fucking lame, and wish I could
have figured out what my problem was and fixed it. So I'm dying,
right and I want to just inhale her, and she leans over and kisses
me. I melted. I'm talking molten lava on the insides. So I confess I
haven't had a kiss in over two years and she gives me more. I'm
feeling like a volcano and I can't take anymore. I am fucking
overwhelmed with emotion and passion I'm terrified to express. I
would have killed her! Eaten her alive!
Be my friend.
God knows I didn't want to leave, how much I wanted to tear into her
and consume every last drop of her presence. Ever fell in love all
of a sudden and can't admit it because its too scary. Ever just
wanted to pig out on your favorite food but caught yourself and
didn't because you knew you'd get sick, put it up for later, came
back to it later only to find out someone else had finished it off.
Woman! I am going crazy about this shit! How the heck did this
I'm so friggin sprung I'd sacrifice almost every possibility for us
if it would mean guaranteeing I could see your face and hear your
voice every now and then. And don't be fucking getting mad at me
because I want you. This aint no freaky shit, no spooky shit. You
look in the mirror lately, I mean really looked? You are fucking
fine, inside and out. I'm just recognizing, thats all. And it kills
me to think that you can just be like, "bad timing," and "I can't
have any new friends." Fuck!
Time'll show you. I just hope you don't go and hurt yourself to
learn it. Since when did love become a bad thing? Sigh. 24, huh?
Hope it doesn't take you too long to figure out where happiness
comes from, or recognize blessings when you see them.
Are you afraid of what might come should you concede and let me
in? Should I dismiss the kiss we shared?
No room for friendship? What would it cost you? To be kind to this really harmless, unique, fascinating, and openhearted person who for some "inexplicable" reason has a thing for you?
If I could beg your ear to hear these thoughts
I have of you, and you lean in
And drink this prose of desperate need
To share with you what's genuine.
Or come to you within your dreams
And show you different what you've seen
And intrest you, and tempt your heart
and kiss it there that love begin
Or sit beside you while you sleep
And wash your face with prayers of love
inhale your breath and stop my heart
to savor what dreams made are of
Breathe my name and close your eyes and
Feel a warmth that's undisguised
Soft lips touching unremembered places
don't be afraid to relax and embrace this
Innocense I offer you
love in need of love that's true
Inhale me as I have inhaled you
Warm yourself in my thoughts of you
Let go of doubt and fear and past
And let this softest whisper last
The love you choose to make believe
Cannot compare but bring you grief
Though sweet to love with sweeter pain
Than love with all and bear the same
And here I am in agony
full of your absence from me
A moment gone, aborted hope
resurrect that which you broke
I still want you
All this just to get a "hey hiya doin'" every once in a blue moon. Don't make a big deal out of it. It doesn't cost you a thing. The worst that could happen? You'll accidentally fall in love with me and have it reciprocated. The best that could happen? You got it already.
You ever give a homeless person some change?
Ask and ye shall receive, right?
Girl, would you be my friend? Charity, good deed for the day, any ol excuse will do. I'm getting sleepy...